Your Man Left You… from Now What to So What?

Sensitive topic alert.. clearly not one that is always the most comfortable but I know it may serve some sisters out there who have been through this.

I know there may be naysayers that might feel that this type of vulnerable sharing is not necessary and to them I say then this blog is not for you.

As a coach, I realize that when I have the courage to show up big and enveloped in love for myself that it creates the opportunity for others to access their own power, light and courage and to heal.

So this blog is for those sisters that are still in the thick of it and don’t think it’s possible to stand, smile and laugh again. This blog is for the sisters that are holding it in. Not telling anybody that he left or flat out flipping the script so it looks like you left him… This blog is for you hermana.

I was once that woman. The one that got left, the one who was in the marriage but somehow not “on it” cause I didn’t see it coming.

I was the wife with the two kids, the home, the career and I was the one who got served the divorce papers.

It came out of nowhere.

I knew things were not great but our situation was not divorce ready and yet there I was in late July 2012 staring at divorce papers that my ex-husband served me. The ones that showed his name versus mine.

Let that sink in a bit. Versus immediately implied against.

How could he and I be against one another when we had created life together? Yet there it was plain as day and in ink no less.

And so it was at 37 years old, my then husband of 10 years asked me for a divorce.

Falling apart pales in comparison to what I experienced. I crumbled.

There were days when I was going from ugly cries to conference calls, when it was either Bishop TD Jakes or Jose Jose “El Amor Se Acaba” on full blast in the car, when the covers couldn’t be high enough or thick enough to stay under, when it felt like this broken heart would never mend.

This man who I had grown up with now wanted to divorce me.

It was like you are standing on a stage and the carpet gets pulled right from under you.

The shame, the thoughts encircling my head the inner critic having a field day with my heart and soul.

And of course, I am an intuitive woman born and raised in a Dominican household where we are firm believers in the spiritual unknown and I still didn’t see the writings of divorce on any walls. There were no Walter Mercado predictions for this Scorpio on that sort of news.

So, I did exactly what I thought I had to do to survive my life.  Keep busy, thrust myself into work, surround myself by a wonderful tribe of sisters who were my rock and were there to ensure I had the support I needed on some of the most difficult days, not talk about it too much and move on.

Move through my life was exactly what I did. I can’t tell you that there was anything specifically wrong but there was also no spark or zeal to my life.

I woke up, went to work, ate, came home, helped the kids with homework and did it all over again the following day and every now and again there was the occasional outing.

I lived like that for 4 years.

And to those who say that’s a long time remember that each of us have our personal journey and healing process and everything in due time. Don’t judge me.

Eventually after moving through my life like some character in a movie scene that is playing their part every now and again some of us are fortunate enough to stumble onto something that begins to shift the modus operandi.

For me that shift started with Landmark Education, when a dear friend of mine invited me to participate in the Forum.

I had been facilitating leadership and training programs for adults for years but I had never experienced this type of training. I was like what is this? I quickly learned that it was ontological training which is focused on the study of the being.

For the first time in my life I was part of a personal transformational training program that was designed to introduce you to the belief that the only thing standing in the way of your greatness is you and that possibility is everywhere.

I completed the entire Landmark curriculum and I came out with a greater desire to continue to grow and learn more about me and what could be possible in my life and where Landmark left off, my year-long leadership coaching program with Accomplishment Coaching picked up.

Accomplishment Coaching was everything. It was a powerful and rigorous 12-month personal leadership coaching program that supported me through countless breakthroughs in my life.

Breakthroughs that would otherwise not have been possible without the love and intense accountability and partnership of the leadership team, coaches and participants all of who are now honorary members of my tribe.

The program was a deep dive into everything that had been silenced; everything that had been cut off, it was a reclaiming of my voice, of my power, fierceness and fire.

It was the awareness that there was nothing wrong with me, that my ex-husband’s decision to divorce me was not a function of my actions. I did not cause it.

It was an opportunity for me to forgive myself and surrender the things that I can no longer change.

An opportunity to forgive him, to heal and to know with certainty that I am not my past and that I have the power to shift and move into an empowered space.

An empowered space that offered me the opportunity to choose to:

  • Author my life and not be a victim.
  • Thrive in my life not just survive it.
  • Discover and channel my essence not let my inner critic run the show
  • Openly embrace all of my imperfections and in the process and journey back to self-love, I became a COACH.

Now my commitment is to continue on my path and fiercely support women who are ready to take meaningful action in their lives NOW.

My divorce neither defines me nor holds me captive like some scarlet letter “D”, it is simply a part of my past but it is not me.

And your divorce does not define you.

It is a piece of your past and part of the tapestry and fabric that creates the magnificent and radiant woman who is reading this but IT IS NOT WHO YOU ARE.

I am grateful for the opportunity to have spent an intensive year returning to self and welcome the opportunity to build greater partnership, relationship and connection with women who are seeking to do the same.

I know what it’s like to fall off, feel lost, confused and have the experience of now what?? Now what do I do next? Now who am I?

But trust me when I tell you that you are so much bigger than this divorce and your divorce is only but a small blip on your life. SO WHAT you are divorced…where do you want to go from here is really the question?

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